Howard S. Kleyman | Family Law Attorney Serving Minneapolis, St. Paul & All Minnesota

My wife wants to move to Minnesota and I don't, need advice.?

My wife and I have been married for 12 yrs and have lived in Colorado since before we met each other. When we first got married we discussed moving to MN and agreed at some time that would happen. Looking back this was my first mistake. Had I been less concrete in agreeing to her then, maybe we wouldn’t be where we are now.

I feel like we’ve made no progress as adults and now it seems like it all stems from the fact she’s been waiting to move. If I bring up things like starting a retirement fund she balks, and I never understood why.

We currently rent and our lease is about to expire soon. Considering the housing market and the credits available for first time home buyers I decided to do some research and see if we could buy a home. It appears that we can. When I sat down with my wife and gave her all of the information and asked what she thought she balked. What I mean is she gave me no answer and had no opinion. I decided to press the issue and she finally said it "I have to hope that someday we’re going to move back to Minnesota and buying a house here means we won’t."

I understand early in our marriage this is something we had talked about, but things happened that kept us from moving many years ago and now I feel like this is home. I also feel like she’s harbored this dream for so long that she hasn’t tried to accept where we live as home. Moreover having been back several times over the years I don’t like MN. I feel like if I move there I’ll just be passing time until I die. We have a 10 yr old son which makes the situation much more complicated. I also want him to experience all the great things that Colorado has to offer. He just started snowboarding and mountain biking the last couple of years. As he gets older there will only be more things for him to experience right out his front door.

I hate money to be a factor but it is. We both have really good paying jobs, and it’s highly unlikely that either of us will make what we’re making now in MN. Financially I don’t see how we could move if we both wanted to. At 38 yrs old I’m not really looking to live hand to mouth.

I guess the bottom line is if I move for her I’ll be miserable, and if she stays she’ll be miserable. I’m afraid we’re at an impasse and would really love not to get divorced. But I think it may be the only answer if we can’t find a common ground. Maybe I’m just being selfish, but we only have one life to live and I don’t want to spend it wishing I could do the things I love. I’m sure she doesn’t want to regret not spending more time with her family. If there’s a solution I can’t find it.

Thanks in advance……………………D


12 Responses to “My wife wants to move to Minnesota and I don't, need advice.?”

  1. Messykatt says:

    First, I don’t even agree that you made a big mistake back when you talked about moving to MN. After 12 years, things can change a lot, and that falls under the category of plan, not promise. Breaking a promise would be a much bigger deal (like saying you wanted kids and then 6 months later saying you don’t).

    When you bring finances into it, that complicates the issue, maybe unnecessarily. If you express concern about the money, and then find a place in MN where you can get a great job, would you want to move there? I get the feeling the answer is no, so maybe that whole issue is irrelevant.

    These 2 states are close enough together that it seems there’d be a way to compromise somehow, which makes more sense than both of you staying together miserable, or blowing up a marriage over it. Have the 2 of you ever sat down and thought outside the box, trying to come up with any possible alternative? It might have to get creative, like renting a home in CO and at the same time buying a small lake house in MN near her parents. And then she’d need to find a job if she doesn’t have one where she could take a summer break and/or work at "home" and she could go there in the summer. Make a commitment to take some of the money you save from renting to get to MN much more often – even once a month. In other words, if your primary residence ends up in CO, she has given up a big part of her dream. What can you do to lessen the impact of that? It may mean you don’t get to own your home, but that’s a sacrifice you make. And the same applies in reverse if you end up in MN. Whoever "wins" the state has to be prepared to offer up a lot in exchange for that. And I honestly think your son at 10 would be fine either way. If he was in high school, it would be different.

  2. Happy-2 says:

    Compromise: move to Nebraska, because it’s right in between CO and MN!

  3. hopeful says:

    Have you thought to maybe look around Mn. to see if there are positions in both your fields open for you? That is the smart thing to do in any move to anywhere. As for a retirement fund is it one that can’t be moved or rolled to another place? Trust me there are plenty of areas that your boy can snowboard and mountain bike there as well. I live close to Mn. and that is all you hear about. You really need to sit down with your wife after you have looked into all the posibilities. that way she knows you even tried.

  4. Jack says:

    You already have your answer. You mentioned the word "divorce" as an option. Your only problem is that your wife wants to move to Minnesota. You’re willing to get divorced over that? So, what you’re saying is that you’d rather get divorced than move to Minnesota with your wife. You’re choosing Colorado over a marriage and a child. Now I’ve never been to Minnesota, but it’s not the gates of Hell! I would move to east Bumfuque Egypt with my wife if that was her dream, rather than be without her for a minute. That’s because I love her that much. I think you love Colorado more than you do your wife, so you may as well get a divorce because she deserves better than you.

  5. Amy says:

    In minnesota your son can snowboard in the winter and mountain bike in the summer. Being that he is 10 he has plenty of time to make friends before jr high and high school. What you should do with your wife and son …. is sit down with them and discuss the pros and cons about staying in Colorado vs moving to minnesota.

  6. Greg G says:

    buy a cottage in minn and spend your vacations there,,,if you are going there in the summer be prepared to live with mosquitoes the size of canada geese

  7. Queenie says:

    Do you know why she wants to move so badly? Is her life there so miserable that she wants to leave it? These are questions that you need to answer before you can hope to find a solution to your problems. I would advise that both of you talk openly and honestly about this situation. Remember you two do not make up the entire family and you have to consider your son as well. Think of what it will mean for him if you two cannot compromise. You are not being selfish if you are honest and truly do not want to move. You have some very good points and having a good job to support yourself and family is a good reason to stay, if you are happy with your job. Perhaps she had built up the illusion of moving in her head that she can only imagine the positives and cannot see the difficulties this would create.

  8. Dayna says:

    compromise theres gotta be a in between

    Please HELP me!

  9. ah-ight says:

    Happy 2 took the words right out of my mouth. Move to Nebraska….or choose an entirely different state altogether.

    Thing is, change is scary for us all. I don’t know what brought your wife to Colorado, but she doesn’t like it there. She had to *change*. Moving to MN, where you don’t like it, means you’d have to *change*.

    If you stand firm with how you feel, then no matter what she says about MN, you’ll always find something wrong with the idea of being there…as she is doing now, in Colorado.

    This issue shouldn’t break your relationship, and with talking about eachother’s feelings you can make it through this. She’s been compromising all this time…and now it’s your turn. Maybe the both of you could compromise together and move into this new phase in your lives together.

    Good luck!!!

  10. chiliredkitty says:

    Jack said it all. You have a very sad life if you would pick a state over your wife and child.

  11. glownatural says:

    You didn’t explain ‘why’ she wants to move. Is it family? I’m from Minnesota, and it’s a Very friendly state, with 10,000 lakes, mountain bike trails, skiing/snowboarding, rollerblading, hiking/camping, the Mayo Clinic…what’s so bad about Minnesota? You have the rockies, but it’s not like you can’t visit there ever again.
    Why don’t you take a visit to MN and get a feel for the area 1st- before you say ‘No’

  12. teenie says:

    My husband and I are in the same boat as you, when we were first married I told him right up front Maryland is my home and I’ll never move from here. He is also from Maryland and he promised to never move me out of Maryland. My husband had a very good job but another company sought him out made him an offer that was so sweet. As luck would have it that company went under 9 months later. So he went back to his old job only problem was his old position was filled. Same position opened up only it was in another state Memphis. What else could I do but go with him after all we been married 20 years by then. I told him I’ll move but only for 2 years then I’m moving back home to Maryland. Well that 2 years turned into 3 years and to make it worse then it was our son could only take it for one year he moved back to Maryland he was 20 years old and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop him. He missed all his friends back home so not only did I leave my whole entire family now I lost my son as well. I was crying every night I was so lonely there I felt like I was there all by myself. Our plan was to have him transfer back home when something opened up. But then he was transferred to Tampa Florida so here I was once again moving to a place I do not want to be. We been here now 6 years 7 this coming May so what started out as 2 years has now been a total of 9 years. Did I forget to mention that my husband loves it here in Florida and does not want to move. As for myself, it’s to damn hot and the bugs here are prehistoric and would cause anyone to have nightmares. My son is now 28 years old he grew up without me and here I sit in a room by myself while my husband is off somewhere in the house. We been married going on 31 years now. I go where he goes I might not like it but I can assure you I would be so much more miserable without him by my side. Am I happy NO!

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